The letter never sent
July 12, 2002 @ 4:45 p.m.
Dear you.
This finds me in a familiar place of late: self-disgust. I had forgotten how much I could hate myself. In Indiana it was never an option, really...I didn't mind myself much at all, compared to this feeling. Lately, I've been waking up and wondering exactly why I should move. I hesitate to get out of bed every morning. I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. I feel disgusting. I wonderful how people can bear me at all.
But the paradox of all of this is there's a part of me that thinks I've never been prettier. I look at my face and say, "My eyes have never been more blue than now." Every glance I get from someone -- especially from boys -- is also a paradox; in the same moment, my mind thinks both "Perhaps he thinks I'm cute" and "I shouldn't be looked at; I'm not worthy; I'm too ugly." I am gaining weight and it's not necessarily because I'm bored anymore, which was my excuse in the beginning.
Now it's a culmination of not wanting to care for myself, loneliness, and the ever-looming emotion of feeling used. That one has come quite often in the past two weeks. I suppose it's all in my mind, but it's a paranoia that I don't know what to do with, exactly.
I don't know what my problem is and I don't know how to make it better. I feel a dispair I haven't felt in a very long time, and I also feel very angry. I don't know how much longer I can keep up with this facade. I'm sorry to bring all of this to you. I just don't know who else to tell. I know you can't do anything and I don't expect you to. I suppose I just needed to tell someone who I know wouldn't judge me. Seeing as most people do, that leaves you.
~ Love, Kelly
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
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I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006