A little mildew, a little fresh
August 15, 2002 @ 2:02 p.m.
And so it's been a long week. I'm pretty sad this week but I don't know why. Things don't seem right in me, is all. There's just something about this week that I don't like but I can't figure out why I don't like it.
I asked Kyle the other night if he ever felt like he needed to be fixed.
He asked if I meant neutered.
I mean emotionally fixed. I wish someone could take a hammer and tinker inside of me, bang around a little, fix the broken walls and add a couple nails where things are loose. Screw me, for Chrissakes, I need to be screwed!
All right. Sorry about that.
I feel like people are asking me to be less intense, although that may be far from the truth. I don't feel like being less intense. Asking a person to be less intense, even if being intense hurts them, is like asking Beethoven not to make music anymore just because he's deaf. It's pointless, stupid, and it's not going to happen.
I've learned lots of things on my guitar, but mostly that I still have a lot to learn. It's not necessarily that I don't want to learn; rather, it's just that I know I have a long commitment ahead of me. This is one commitment I don't mind committing to�and if you know me, you know that committing is not something I'm good at, so this is big news. I guess it's because I've wanted to play guitar only since I was�well, nine.
Every night I strum it, hoping someday I'll be good enough to play for someone. To play with someone. To play in front of people and not feel embarrassed. I'm terribly lazy but not with this. I'm intense with this too. I've spent three days learning how to read three notes. I want to get this right. It's something I've wanted to do for a while now and I want to get it right.
I miss Fort Wayne again. When I was missing it before, I could at least relish the fact I would be there soon enough. Now, I can't do that. I won't be back for at least three more months. I don't have the money and I don't have the time. But I woke up today and the first thing I thought of was how I wish I was lying in my dorm room at St. Francis. How I could be in that green leopard print comforter, waking up to Weasel's or Joel's or even (Heaven forbid) John O's voice. How the windows could be left open, and I could smell St. Francis inside my room. It has a very peculiar smell, you know. A little mildew, a little fresh.
And I could get up with the blinds shut and still see, and hear noises outside, and walk outdoors and hike across campus to class. Even in winter I enjoyed doing that. Even when it was bitterly cold, and all I had were gloves and my stupid blue jacket that wasn't thick enough to block anything, I enjoyed it even then. I enjoyed walking in the rain and the sun and the snow.
I had a dream the other night that I needed to buy a scarf, because it was getting cold in Fort Wayne and I needed it so I would be warm for walking around campus. It was a beautiful scarf�wool. Rainbow striped, with red in the middle and blue at the tips. The price tag said $4.97, and I bought it instead of a more expensive dress, because I didn't have the money for the dress and the scarf and I knew what was more practical. I would use it sitting outside on my doorstep during the early mornings, waiting for Matt to show up or Robin to come home from work.
I can't explain my little psychoses about Fort Wayne. But I liked the campus. And I liked my dorm room. It was mine. Well, Becky's, too, but it was mine. Something I could grab ahold of. Something I could decorate. It was my place. And I belonged there. And I was happy there, sometimes.
I'm beginning to learn it's not necessarily where I'm at that will make me happy. It's something deeper. Everywhere I go I'm not happy, you see. I'm beginning to realize it's not Fort Wayne, it's not Cedar Rapids. It's me. And I need to be fixed. Emotionally.
See how it all ties together, people? Damn, I'm good.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006