no
April 16, 2002 @ 9:27 p.m.
Do you remember when we used to talk? What about you? I miss you. I miss you. I'm not comfortable with losing people that I miss. I suppose missing people that I lose is pointless, but I still do it.
And my hair's falling out, it's falling out by the masses. And it's not any color, just mass colors, colors by the dozens, burgundy, goldenrod, scarlet, gray. I hate it. And my hair's falling out not fast enough, not as fast as my mood is falling.
Why are all the people in my past whom I lied to, whom I never wanted to see again, reappearing? There are so many that just won't go away. Locusts...they feed off of me. I despise seeing their respective faces again. And they reappear during the most complicated times, making my life that much more difficult.
It helps to know that I'm randomly gorgeous but I feel so unattractive right now I weep in front of the Dave Schmoekel look-a-like nearly unabashedly. Glaring at the computer why? What upsets you? I worry about the strangest people and their shadows at the most inopportune times.
I feel a need to suffer pain at the current moment. Perhaps it's the pain I inflict upon others...I rarely feel good enough to deal with people on a daily basis. My self-esteem fails each day I don't feel loved.
This isn't a "please tell me you love me" entry, I'm not looking for pity. I don't want pity...pity is anathema. I have no desire for it nor acquire it on a daily basis, thank god. I am simply journaling of how I ache everywhere, especially in my mind and heart, and I don't want pity. I don't want it.
Do you even understand how delicious you are?
i am sick. i am so sick. sick. please, so sick. i want it to end i don't like this make it stop, i want to go home. i feel sick like this some days and i just want to curl up in a bed and be with you.
i purposely forgot about loving anyone because i am the only one who has been stepped upon i'll go back i'll go back i swear i'll go back beauty thus become in the mourning i promise i promise i'll never leave you i promise please come back to me please please
no
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
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I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006