Puppy chow vs. a good lay
May 29, 2002 @ 8:50 p.m.
Several things happening, all at once, all harder for me to discover than I'll admit.
I'm debating whether or not I should go back to Fort Wayne at all. I'm trying to find a reason to return but I'm coming up empty. I had my fun but I've discovered that my problems in Fort Wayne vastly outnumber the ones in Iowa...at least at the current moment. Things are actually all right here, which is surprising. I'm impressed with the amount of angst I can stand.
It's surprising, really.
My mother and father are now waging war over our cabin in upstate Iowa. My father's becoming desperate for money, for a place to live, for love, for anything worth saving. My brother threatened earnestly to kill him. My father wants a lawsuit. My mother will win, because my father is a loser and obviously looking for something. Any judge who needs proof only needs to turn to his employment record.
Right now I'm very angry with him, not for anything real, only for breaking my heart and my trust of him. He's drinking again...calling today, it was my childhood all over. I felt as if I should be sniffing his glass, searching for the telltale sign of Squirt and Black Velvet, as I did so long ago, when I was six and my mother wanted to know.
There's just so much that is uncertain, and every day without having to prove my worth makes me doubt that I have it at all.
Okay, ew. Marc Anthony. I did not need to see those seven veins in his forehead. Honestly.
I am in so much need of a good lay. Either that, or some puppy chow. Ya see, I'm thinking puppy chow, because puppy chow doesn't hurt you. It's good to you. It loves you.
I need to stop now.
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