powerless
May 16, 2004 @ 12:54 a.m.
I don't know. I don't know how to help him. I don't know how to take the anger away -- he has so much of it -- if only I could make things better. I'm angry too, GOD I'm angry too! I wish things weren't like this! I wish I could take care of him! I wish he didn't ever have to feel pain, I want to protect him. He cries tonight and I am helpless. I know he's feeling the stress, I am too.........we both are. He just looks so fucking tired, and so helpless, and I don't know how to help him. I'm powerless and it's making me dizzy and sick. I'm powerless to stop his pain, I'm powerless to stop this, I hear the sickening crunch of glass and hear him scream and I'm powerless. I hear him say "GOD I COULD KILL MYSELF!" and it is so lonely, and I understand it, and I fear it, because I know perhaps maybe he could do it. And it scares me, because I cannot lose him. I am powerless. I am helpless. I do not know what to do and I do not know how to fix this and my God....my GOD....I am powerless. It is my own fear that stops me, my own fear and cowardice and pushing away that makes me not ask if he needs help, even though I know he needs help, I can see it in those bloodshot eyes and those dark circles under them and the way his hand trembles and tears fall down his cheeks. I know he needs help but I cannot help, I am powerless. I just hope that he is not hurting himself because I cannot help him, I cannot be of help. All of this is entirely too much for me, I can't stand the mood swings, they're too much like my own. And because we are so alike, every time I call you names I am calling myself names, and every time you weep my heart weeps with you. I don't know! I don't know how to help him! I can't make things better -- you can't avoid a tornado, you can only move out of its way, you can only make sure you won't be hit as it spins and spins and causes so much destruction. You can only hope it won't hit you. But God how it still hurts. It still tears at you, still takes from you, still steals your breath. I feel as though I have failed somehow, in the raising of him. I helped....I couldn't help but help raise him. It was the mothering, even then. I couldn't help it -- I was grown enough -- I'm an old soul, and he was just this little boy. And he still is. And I can't help him, and perhaps I never could. I will lose him early, I know I will, and I am afraid. If I could tell you how much I fear this, you wouldn't believe me. If I could tell you how much it would kill me, knowing now that he's driving around sobbing, because he's frustrated and angry and so tired, and there's nothing else for him to do now but cry. And I cannot comfort him. I am powerless.
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
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I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006