Same old, same old
September 26, 2002 @ 10:54 a.m.
I didn't know just how many CDs I had until I wrote them all down last night for safekeeping.
My brother is stealing from me again; I'm missing four CDs. I don't think anyone quite realizes just how much they mean to me. I know they're material, but they're also my escape, they are my pride and my joy, and for a college student, they are not cheap.
I confronted him, he denied everything; when my mother and I spoke, she said "Well, he's going to be here until he's at least 18 and you are going ot have to learn to deal with it." She proposed a lock on my door, locking my cat Mo in as well because his food, water, and litterbox are in my room. As though this fixes the problem of him stealing in the first place.
He's still driving, although he hasn't paid insurance in a year and the rule is that you must pay insurance to drive the car. Sean gets these exceptions to the rule quite often, and I'm as quiet as possible about it all most of the time. But I cannot be anymore.
My goddamned father wasn't there either, Sean, and my mother also works 3 jobs. I'm not rich either but I always had food on my plate and a roof over my head, just like you. I had a good education and a good name just like you. My father drinks too.
So don't you tell me that you've had it worse than I have, don't you tell me it's been harder for you. Don't you fucking spit that bullshit at me, don't you dare. I'm just as fucked up as you are.
And so now it's all anticlimactic, all of it is. I've had more than enough and I got my IPFW things yesterday, so why not January? I have myself wondering. Fuck money, I'd rather be anywhere but here. I can't explain to you how much I want to hurt someone right now, and because I'm the nearest, it'll probably be me.
I do, I do so badly want to hurt myself. It's ultimate betrayal, don't you see? Even more than the betrayal that Sean has brought me. I still master my fate, even now in this purgatory. I can still take my life whenever I please and do what I want with it. I still have the choice, in the end, don't you see? I can still laugh. I can stil hand over my splattered brains on a platter, complete with tearstains and empty mirth and servitude.
I'm so funny, because you see, I know I have all of these people who would frown upon my suicide but I don't care. Perhaps they'd pay attention to me for split seconds then. Maybe if I am falling apart physically, maybe if my lips tremble like earthquakes, then they'll all fucking get it.
And yet there's a part of me that remembers every song as a memory from a "better" (different) time, and who sees this as a little emo rant that means nothing. She's just being melodramatic again, will wear black shirts and long sleeves for the next week and then be back to normal, albeit with some more scars.
What's the matter? Afraid to look at my wrists?
Doesn't matter that I feel abandoned by all those I've ever deemed important in my life. Death calls, a familiar friend. And something that I know as legit, something that will never abandon me no matter how hard I try to rid of it.
I haven't learned how to play the game, or if I did once, it's long forgotten now. As though there's this rotten core in the center of me and my shiny red round outside appearance can fool everyone so easily, too damn easily. And the weight I throw on other people's shoulders is unbearably heavy; no wonder I can only be carried and supported for short distances.
And I want to be infatuated again, because although it brings melancholy as an afterthought, love and smiles and all those other good feelings are something I want alive in me again. I will not stand much more of this bile circulating in my bloodsteam; I fear I won't be able to control its actions much longer.
I refuse to keep this diet when no one will keep their promises to me. And I want to be chained, studied, laughed at. I want to be committed.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006