Verisimilitude
October 21, 2002 @ 10:29 a.m.
Robin called last night and we talked for a while. She sounded very tired; although she attributed it to too much partying at Piere�s and a cold, it sounded as though there was something else. She sounded lonely, and kept saying about every five minutes that she missed me. She also said she didn�t see Becky much, which surprised me; I figured those two would be hanging out more than they are.
It was good to hear from her, but sad too � just another reminder of Fort Wayne. I hung up with her wishing she was down the hall so I could go knock on her door and we could go walking the parking lot like always, puffing on our inhalers like cigarettes. I had to listen to my infrequented Matt tapes after that, out of longing and habit.
Both my stomach and my waistline rebel this anti-PCOS all-carbohydrate diet I�ve been using. I�m eating as though my metabolism never was a problem, mostly because I enjoy self-destructive behaviors, and I�ve never felt worse. This is truly a war between mind and body, waged in me. I can�t tell you which is winning � it all feels like hell.
I spoke to a woman named Paula at work and she said that the screaming one-sided headaches I�ve been getting every day, throughout the day, could be hormonal. It would explain why the started nearly four weeks ago, about the time I started my pills. I�ve had slight nausea with them as well, so it wouldn�t be surprising.
Just makes my ibuprofen habit a bit disheartening at times.
I hate this disease and what it has done to me. The symptoms are so varied I hardly know what to treat first: the weight gain, the depression, the hair growth, the mood swings during PMS and (non) ovulation, the acne. I hate battling with it and so I refuse to. It makes me feel weak, and I hate not having a choice in what to do about it. So I create a choice, as unhealthy as it is.
I keep telling myself that there are others, countless others in the world who battle their weight successfully. I like believing that I have a strong spirit, and that I can do whatever I put my mind to. The truth of weak character and a lack of drive sadden me. How am I supposed to work on improving anything else when I have no motivation to do so? How can I make myself better when truthfully I don�t care?
People � those who are acquaintances, or relatives, or older and observing of my actions � see me as goal-oriented, driven, on �the right track.� Truthfully I am lazy and uncaring but too afraid of my own failure to do anything but push on. Most paradoxically, I�ve already labeled myself as a failure.
Jessica and I discussed the sluttiness of some girls we know, and I am afraid I could never be like that. I look at womankind, and how with a touch or smile they can manipulate men and get what they want from them. Even the worst examples of women can do this better than I can.
I�ve never been good with men � they frighten me, they confuse me, they enrage me at their lucidity in craving and acquiring sex. They�ve never been interested in me sexually or for friendship. I�ve never even had a real male friend until Blaine, and I don�t have many more now.
There�s just this world of love and heartbreak and sex and intimacy on all levels and I feel very separated from all aspects of it.
Just another thing I don�t know how to make better.
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006