Wake up for
May 09, 2002 @ 3:26 p.m.
So I'm getting no hits since I locked this thing. I know in my heart of hearts that I need to unlock it. I just can't bring myself to do that. There's just too much in here that can be discovered by all the wrong people, and I don't want that. I don't want Matt to be able to find this, and read this, and know what I thought about him.
Speaking of him, I haven't talked to him in nearly a week now, and it finds me sad. I miss him, his stupidness. Yes, he's stupid and I just hate the way he treats me sometimes, but I miss it. I miss Fort Wayne so desperately. I miss Becky and Blaine and Sean....Blaine said that when he talked to Sean the other night, Sean said to say hi and that he missed me. Although I don't believe Sean actually said that, it's endearing nonetheless.
It made me smile.
A reason I haven't written in this, besides the fact that I don't have a computer, is my boring life. There's nothing going on with me, really. Trying half-heartedly to find a job. Trying to understand what I want to do with myself for next year, and beyond. Trying to understand why I'm not desirable. Trying to understand why I slept twelve hours last night and am still exhausted.
Trying to understand anything. And it's not working, and I'm becoming so frustrated.
Home's not as bad as I thought it would be. But I've been here a little less than a week. Eleven more weeks should make me thoroughly insane...especially if I have to be HERE for eleven weeks. If I take a break, make it back to Fort Wayne somehow, then...yes. I can do it.
My mother just handed me a caramel, and it's tearing up my teeth so wonderfully. Yum.
There's part of me that wants to say fuck school and just strike out on my own, with a $10,000 loan and lots of promise ahead of me. I want to prove to my family, my friends, and myself that I can secure housing, a car, and a job right now, even at this unsteady point in my life. But there's the logical part of me knowing that I need that stupid piece of paper to get anywhere in this world. After all, with a pointless English degree, I need all the paper I can get.
I miss M so much, and I love her new layout. It's beautiful. I miss Chris too.
Randomness, now. And I'm bored, so freaking bored. I feel like I have more to say, but it's all repetitive. I want some money, now. Send me a dollar, dammit. No, wait. Send me twenty dollars. You can't buy anything for a dollar, not even a phone call, I don't care what Carrot Top and Alyssa Milano say.
Speaking of which, I need to get a phone card. I have 38 minutes left. Damn Becky for talking so long! No, it was fun. I needed to talk to her. After all, Blaine's right: I'm the only one she'll wake up for.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006