I believe the word is empty
October 28, 2002 @ 10:50 a.m.
Everyone on my Diaryland list is suddenly not okay. This makes me not okay. I don't like this change in people. People need to be okay, because I don't think that I can help take care of them. Not that I should. I just don't think I can.
Ugh. Anyway.
I honestly don't think I've felt this emotionally devoid for a while, and so I'm beginning to understand why exactly some people strive for emotion. It's a driving force, a gratifier, a reason. Routine makes me numb. I do everything the same every day. A lack of interest in my daily activities leaves me constantly cold.
And I feel as though I'm living subliminally; marching through a fog because someone (I have forgotten Who) said walk. It makes it so very difficult to live for something when I feel it's been proven God does not exist, or, if he did, he does no more, or is smirking but indifferent.
Or he's gone deaf, and can't hear the various shrieks; and blind, and can't place favoritism properly that way. I don't know whether to believe God has become conditioned or has become nonchalant. I don't know which is worse.
My God condition is not the scapegoat I use for my eyes-veiled lifestyle. It is not an explanation, either. It is simply another snip to the pile of nail clippings at my feet that reveal distruction even in abstinence.
.......
In other news, Colorgenics said this today: "The need for admiration and to be regarded as 'someone special' is perhaps one of the foremost aims in your life at this time."
...Duh.
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006