Worth a try, right?
July 17, 2002 @ 10:50 a.m.
Wrap me up in those tears of mine and give me the present you always wanted me to have: disillusionment.
It's okay, you know. It's all right. I don't mind being lonely, at least for a while. I know it's something that we'll all go through, and I think maybe eventually this pain will go away, you know? At least I'm hoping so.
Me inheriting my father's pride and observing my mother's need to carry the entire world on her shoulders alone will ultimately end up with me having everything to deal with and no one around, because I've alienated them all with my foolish pride and bullheadedness.
I see my parents in me already. But I believe I've already had this conversation with myself, so I will have it no more.
In other news....it turns out I won't be seeing Sean when I return to Fort Wayne in a couple of weeks. He'll be out of the country, in Toronto. Skating. So I won't see him, and I won't see Matt. I'll see Becky and Blaine, Gary and Carol.
None of this bullshit makes any sense in my head right now. I keep thinking I need more sleep, but the more I get, the more I think I need. I'm constantly wandering...for the first time in my life, I can't hold still. Especially at night. I'll feed my fish, write a line, get up, pace my room, sit down, read a line from a book, change CD's, run downstairs for something, come up, sit down, get up, get water, get food, get something.
My last three nights have been like this. I simply cannot sit still. I kept calling people, hanging up before it would ring even once. I didn't want to talk. I just didn't want to be alone. But I didn't want to go anywhere, and yet I wanted to go everywhere. I told you it didn't make sense.
As Advertised is tomorrow, and I suppose I should be getting excited. Yet it still feels like just another commitment that I don't exactly want to commit to. Maybe once I see David, everything will be better.
I doubt it, but it's worth a try. Right?
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006